Die Verhältnisse / 2011

„Sonja looked at me at the counter. There was a flash. I disappeared again. We both wanted children, at least two.“

„I thought it was love. A flight to freedom. My own home. But it wasn’t like that.“

„Tuesdays, father-child meeting. I witness other families, screams and blows, thinking how lovely we are. I feel uncomfortable about not being able to fulfill the children’s wishes. Selina would like a driver‘s license as, of course, would Gino and Franziska. John once asked me „Why don’t we move to a cheaper apartment that would be fully paid for by the social?“ But this house is one of the reasons we are happy. In a tower block the language and way of life would be brutal.“

„I was thirteen when my parents married me. I was a little kid. We still played with dolls, me and the younger ones. I hope that I will do everything better with Aliya. Just undo everything. I‘m me. I do it my way and that’s the way it will be, too.“

„My twin sister is wiser than me. She has to keep me away from things. If we‘re out, I always listen to her because I think she says the right things.“ „I always look after Vanessa outside. No, we look after each other.“

„My son Daniel used to get bullied – the guys were so different from him. Daniel has other interests. He gets on very well teachers and other adults, but he doesn’t have mates his own age. Since he‘s been sixteen he’s changed a bit. My husband has been away a lot since the autumn break. Daniel identifies a lot with our house. Of course, he’s taken it over from his father. And also the way Daniel deals with his sister – he very often puts her to bed, but doesn’t make a big fuss about it. He just sits with her for a while in her room.“

„Where I came from was a small village. And it was a poor village where we didn’t have any possibilities. People didn’t talk much about money in those days, the most important thing was survival. They got by with what they had and didn’t ask for more than they needed. Our mother raised us alone but didn’t really know how to do it or have much of a chance. She didn’t know what went on at school because she was illiterate. It wasn’t possible to disappoint Mum because she wouldn‘t have even noticed things.“

„My own mother was always a stranger to me. I went back to her when I was six. It was traumatic for me because of course I wanted to go back to my grandma. It was always a struggle for survival with my mother. I can remember that she often left us alone because she was drunk. She said strange things like „The only nice thing about you is your eyes.“ I always wanted children. Even as a kid I’d always had the desire to have a family. Even as a small child and also a lot of children. I have two daughters and four sons now. I believe that you eventually realize that you‘re a co-dependent. Because I always protected my mother, I thought she can’t help it. Because I always excused everything. Men were always more important to her than her children. The love that she probably never got, she thought you only get it from men. I’ve somehow felt responsible all my life and also a little bit of a victim. A troubled relationship. And perhaps a troubled relationship to myself too.“

„Jaspar is at odds with life again. This situation makes me so afraid that he will do something to himself and I’m extremely aware of my helplessness. That takes a lot of my strength and energy - again, still. I believe that Jaspar can develop and grow up better in the managed flat. It wasn’t easy for me to admit this because I had – and still have – the feeling that I failed as a mother.“ „The relationship with my mother is complicated. Through the years the depressions and conflicts in my life have distanced us from each other in some respects. But she‘s still my mother, she still wants to be ready for any situation. But now I‘m at an age where I don’t want to expect everything of her. Yes, I also think of my mother when I think of suicide. I‘m afraid that both my mother and my father could take their own lives too, if I ever took mine.“

„It was only after twentyfour hours that I saw my daughter Jana for the first time. It didn’t really register with me how she was brought out, how she came into the world – the child was like a stranger to me from the beginning. I knew inside quite clearly that she was my daughter but the bond was never really there. Then I stopped with detox and Jana went to a foster family. I didn’t have my own flat, no funds. Somehow, everything was open. I got offered help but I rejected everything at the time. I wanted my own life. I wanted to make all my own decisions. Maybe I decided too much for myself. When I was pregnant for the second time with my son Alexander I wasn’t taking anything else. I was stable on a low dose of substitutes. Relatively low. I was looking for a flat and having treatment. Then two years ago I started to build up contact with Jana. Her foster parents are given all rights. The problem is that I‘m always the bad one, the one who has made all the mistakes. First there were the drugs, then it was my situation – having nothing to offer. Now that she’s been with them so long it‘s different. Now it’s time that’s against me. I didn’t fight at the time I just anesthetized myself to forget everything.“

„We were a secret couple for a long time, Basti and I, until I got pregnant at some stage. Later we agreed that we would definitely stay together until the children were grown-up. I always say that we are almost a little bit like brother and sister. It wasn’t possible to break up now, and you can’t break up with your brother. We’ve already really grown up together. Yes, maybe it‘s also dependency. You can’t do without each other. Both our fathers died when we were nine years old. We didn’t just meet when we were twenty, when you’re almost grown up. We grew up together. We were almost children. We developed together and we needed each other at this time. Basti was my best friend when my brother died and somehow he may have taken his place a bit. Because we grew up needing each other and then somehow fell in love.”

"Die Verhältnisse", hardcover book, 5 artist copies, selfpublished, 2011

"Die Verhältnisse", installation views